Dear Lord. Dear LORD will it ever stop hurting? Will I EVER feel like a whole woman again? Will I stop walking around my house with an open, festering wound? Will it ever stop aching when I smile?
My husband and I have been meeting with Dr. Alex for quite some time. This man's godly perception has astounded me at times. He is the most perceptive man I've ever met. In meeting only with my husband, before he ever spoke with me to hear my side, he picked up on things that every other person who has tried to help us has missed.
Every week, he notices more. And it's not just the perceiving that God has blessed him with. He will share his thoughts so eloquently and perfectly worded that not only the subtitles of his observations are crystal clear, but his way is so firm that you cannot wriggle away from him, and he is so gentle that you don't feel the urge to escape, either.
And yet, every week as the meeting comes close I feel the panic rising. Surely this time he'll glaze over and give the same advice that we've been given and be pleased with what gives me chills. But it doesn't happen. Each week.
Bottom line: Dr. Alex pours truth at our feet, and Jack listens. But Jack's mind does not change. He says he asks God to show him what he needs to see. (that repentance has been partial, that he doesn't understand the seriousness of his actions or the depth of their hurt to me. And he still believes I was wrong to separate and probably always will.)
And I live here. It's always been a possibility, but I am looking squarely in the face the reality that he will never ever really get it. God may choose to keep him blinded. Blinded to the possibility of same sex attraction, blinded to the possibility that I SAVED our marriage by separating as some have already voiced. I live with my tale between my legs for "abandoning the marriage". He doesn't rub my nose in it, but it's certainly still in the room and I can smell it 24/7.
I asked God's forgiveness for being jealous of a woman recently who discovered that her Christian husband had paid to have sex with a 12 year old boy. Yes, her situation is so much worse than mine - I don't envy that part. But I am extremely jealous of the clarity. There's no wallpapering THAT over. She doesn't have anyone telling her that it was a communication problem between her or her spouse, or that "God hates divorce" so go back to him and work it out together. She is not the police and she doesn't have to wonder what's on his phone or what he's hiding from her because someone else has stepped in for her safety and everyone else's' safety. That's my life sentence. I'm with a man who doesn't see the dangers. How do I live with this? Unless God does something different or tells me something different, this is going to be my life. And I don't want to be around for it. I don't want to live THIS life. Dear God come for me, please.
Dear Lord help me heal from it all. The list is too long. Help me heal this still open wound that's just as fresh as it was almost 3 years ago.
