Here's My Mess

I'm back in my home. I've been here for almost three weeks and since I've been holding my breath so long not knowing how to behave and what to do and how in the world to find normal, I've started turning a little blue. I feel depressed without much desire to pull myself out of it. I'm overwhelmed by the normal housewife responsibilities. Jack helps me so much around the house but I still feel suffocated by the mundane never-ending tasks that zap the oomph right out of me.

I am hiding. 

I've seen one friend and my husband's family since I've been back. I can't tell if I'm ashamed to be back or not. There are many who disagreed with me leaving, and probably just as many who think I've made a foolish choice to return. I feel the righteous thoughts of some who think I've finally gotten right with God by returning. Some think I'm heroic for leaving and returning. Some are scared for me. Some feel my choice to return will have a dangerous effect on my son.

I don't carry all of the fear to the extent many feel it. I also don't feel the jubilation that others have expressed. It's an odd flatline. I'm the undead tormented zombie who has been through too much trauma to identify with any of the ranges of emotion of those around me. I'm just existing. I don't want to see or hear their overjoyed reactions to my return because I'm still filled with fear and caution. I also don't want to be coddled like I'm such a "trooper" who has been a big girl this year... I despise every reaction to myself others might have. Probably because I've heard every one of them dismissed in my head by the projected feelings of others on every side of the situation.

I'm also hiding because I've gained so much weight since I've been gone that my wardrobe barely fits me. The rolls are showing. Shame pushes down on me and I don't want to be seen. I'm thankful for the coming fall and winter. I'll be able to hide under sweaters and beautiful scarves soon. Right now I can only use perfectly manicured toenails (minus my embarrassingly dry heals) and my wonderful son to take the attention away from my butterball physique. ("No wonder he wasn't all that into, you, Meg. Look at yourself"... says myself to me.) I dread seeing family that is coming into town this weekend because there's no way to hide my embarrassing changes. I'm actually praying for a cold snap.

I am full of fear. 

Who is this man that I share a bed with? In many ways he is the old Jack that I knew and loved, but for some reason I can't seem to erase from my memory the monster that took form when I challenged his distorted thinking. A monster that he says only ever existed because we misunderstood each other. And then my mind goes in circles again over my distinct memories that have no explanation or validation.
Dear Lord, where is the relief?

I am angry. 

I don't want to talk to God. After all, I'm not returning under the circumstances that I thought would exist when I darkened my door again. Instead of profuse apologies I understand the general feeling is that I was wrong to have left, but they'll overlook it all anyway (and I should be so grateful). But I know that God never signed the dotted line on my "if / then" contract outlining the perfect situation to which I would return. However we both did sign the "I will obey and He will lead" contract.   So I fulfilled my end even though I did it kicking and screaming in my heart. In my life, it takes a huge life shattering experience to even come close to letting my hand slip out of the Father's loving hold. To look at Him questioningly: "I thought I could trust You, Daddy. I did everything I thought you wanted me to do, but they're saying that I did the wrong things. What is happening and why do you allow me to be shamed for my obedience? "  Who is this God that I follow? Where are the blessings for my excruciating obedience?

A friend said to me recently that I was holding onto fear (understandably) and if I would let go of it and turn from it, trusting in God, that's where the blessings would flow that He so desperately wants to give me.

It seems that doing this would involve me embracing my husband without any reservation whatsoever in my heart. We've been doing a good deal of embracing, but I must confess that there is a thread of caution, holding back and eyes wide open. I hate that. I hate what sin has caused me to deal with and fight against. I'm completely jealous of women who have no reasons to doubt their husband's faithfulness. No dark past. No devastating past to hide from people. No reason to become nauseated at the thought of making love to their husbands. Nothing vile to clean up, no traumatic memories to push away... How do I get past all of it?

I don't want to run to Jack, and I don't want to run to God right now even though I know deep down that it's the running into God's arms that will free me of all of this. No one seems trustworthy at the moment - even though I know it's not true.

How long will I wait? I don't know.

Agonizing

My thoughts are a whirlwind of fragmented sentences, impressions, confusions, hopes and disappointments. It is agony. I keep hoping to see the bright sun break through the dark clouds so I can have a day of peace. But I just keep being teased. There is hope but it's like at the promise of rain and sun, the farmer must go out and work the soil and only by the sweat of his brow will he reap the harvest.

I am exhausted beyond words. Physically and mentally. I am drained beyond the ability to enjoy my son's sweet face. Mental and emotional rest and relief is all that I can think of but I see the rocky road stretched out before me and it's only by walking the road will I even hope to see glimpses of this rest.

Others who are not so close to me and don't know every detail react with immense joy and excitement as we have started to work through things. I feel like I should be jumping with hands raised in overflowing joy and praise to the Lord for His abundant gifts of hope.  But I find myself instead cautiously watching my husband and holding on to whatever is beside me while I try to catch my breath emotionally. Hoping and being disappointed with the progress, I know that I will have to revisit an issue when I have the strength to walk through it with him yet again. So forgive me for my silent processing, my watchful eyes, and my hesitancy to judge this a done deal while you praise God for "doing a new thing!!".  This new thing is killing me right now. It is not clear. It is not cut and dry. It is painful and it's a complete mess and most of it is totally out of my hands.

God please don't make me have to contend with him and explain everything and help him to see. Can't you just open his mind and heart for me? I'm so tired of this.

Our week of counseling was incredibly hard. And then it was incredibly good followed by the smack of reality. We'd worked through some things and it helped us to enjoy our time together. But I soon saw that so many things needed to be worked through. As we started trudging through it all I found more heartache with differences of opinion, different memories, and unresolved issues that will either just have to be dropped or approached at another time.

It is agonizing. Every step of it.

A friend texted me today in response to my confusion: "All of that is what goes along with the hard choice {to stay in the marriage} which is why few choose it and why it is hard to pray for it to go this way. I cannot even imagine how to get through it without agonizing." Such wise and strangely comforting words.

• •• • •• •

It's supposed to be a mess. 

• •• • •• •

In a way that's comforting. Accept the mess. Accept the stomach churning, nausea and the intense pain.

He held me tight while I sobbed. He wasn't angry with me. I was however incredibly disappointed in some of his other reactions. It is a strange place to be expected to and want to be so close to someone who still hurts you. To transfer my heart back to him is so painful when I'm not completely sure he is safe yet. There is no lightening bolt of change. It is gradual. This is not how I want it to be.

So we text and he calls every night and while we bond on surface levels we contend over other things. It is a dreadful mix of relief and pain. Hope and disappointment.

I wanted to be able to use a back hoe and get all of this taken care of, but instead I am down with my face in the dirt with paleontologist's tools. It is back breaking work and I have literally only begun.

The purpose of my life is not to have a happy marriage. It is to glorify God. And if people will turn to God because they have watched a desperate fight over what seems hopeless and unworthy of the effort only to see the end result of a restored marriage in every way, then I guess I'll have to say "so be it".  I must follow my Lord because HE is safe and HE is love. If I have to follow Him further into the shadows of death and pain to learn His ways, then I have no choice.

Approaching Church Leadership

I apologize for my silence as of late. I seem to go into cycles of having much to say and then I slip into a time where I want to be quiet and marinate in what I've been hearing and learning. It takes me time to process.

I frequent a blog centered around the subject of emotionally destructive relationships. Leslie Vernick, who has also written several books including:  The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, helps women around the world learn how to see it, how to respond to it, and how to survive if their destructive relationship does not change.

There have been some recent posts (Listed below) that invite bloggers to chime in on the response that church leaders have to abusive and destructive relationships. It's quite surprising to read all of the first hand accounts of abuse women have endured by not only their husbands but by church leaders and counselors who just didn't get it.

Leslie is currently writing another book that will hopefully shed some light on the subject if counselors and pastors will take the time to read. The Emotionally Destructive Marriage is scheduled to come out September 17th, 2013.


• The blog post "Dealing with a Self-Centered Spouse", in addition to giving a great link on some other blog posts on dealing with a self-centered spouse (which is what you inevitably have when pornography is involved)  takes a turn into the subject of church leadership when ladies started commenting. Read the blogs but be sure to read the comments.


• In "How Do I Approach My Church Leaders?" Leslie gives instructions for approaching church leadership for help in your destructive relationship. With detailed instructions under the topics of "Stop Pretending", "Document", and "Get Prepared", Leslie helps women in distress take healthy action.

• •• • •• •

It's amazing what some of these women have endured at the hands of Shepherds and fellow Christians. I don't know what to do about it right now except be aware and get the word out in case any women are experiencing this sort of difficulty. When the book comes out, perhaps a great idea would be to give your pastor a copy of his own for the benefit of any women who might come to him needing help in this area.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, you are NOT ALONE!  And you are NOT CRAZY!!  There is help, and there are things you can do. Read and reach out.

Please Pay No Attention to the Giant Behind the Curtain...

In about two weeks, my husband and I are meeting for a week of intensive counseling. This is the "cause" for my recent bouts of panic. Feelings of hopelessness and fear have swallowed me up. 

What will happen? Will he actually get it? Or will it be partial? Will I find out that all of my concerns regarding his partial repentance was nothing but paranoia? Will this counselor also be taken in by his charade? Will I realize that I was wrong and there wasn't a charade to begin with? If he completely repents, how will I ever find the courage to take steps to go back to him? Will I go blank when it's time for me to bring up my concerns? Will I realize that I wasn't really being manipulated after all? Will I realize that the object of my death grip (proof of partial repentance) has slipped right through my hands? The fear is overwhelming. I feel like I'm walking to my death. 

Tonight as I rocked my little babe, the Bible story just happened to be David and Goliath. I explained how David's trust was in God and that helped him to be brave. It didn't matter how big Goliath was. This little boy marched confidently out to Goliath and won the victory. 

I think I've been looking at Goliath 
way too long. 

I've been sizing him up against my abilities and finding that I'm falling desperately short. The possible outcomes have left me almost completely immobile. I'm pessimistic, I do not believe, I am not hopeful, and I've sold God way short.

This is a continuing battle and unfortunately once I "beat it", it comes back up faster and stronger each time. 

I'm not exactly sure how to climb myself out of this pit of despair, but I think a good start will be to ask God to help me, then to listen to music that reminds me of Who my God is, and then I will think on some verses to get me through. The momentum should get me through the night at least. 

I'm a huge fan of Downhere. So many of their songs are perfect for me right now. Here is one that I have loved for the last two years. 

Bleed for This Love

Out of solid rock, I made a river

To a desert drought, I brought the rain

Did you doubt, for a moment

That I felt your pain?

Just when you think the story is over

You know My love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

In a flooded land, I sent a leaf

From your captor's grip, gave you release, oh yeah

Did you fear, for a moment

That I'd leave you there?

Just when you think the story is over

You know My love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

Yes, I'm gonna bleed for this love

And to pay your debt, I'll be the ransom

Then to bring you life, I'll give it all

I'll give it all

Just when you think the story is over

You know my love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

Yes, I'm gonna bleed for this love

Insta-panic

Dear Lord,
Calm my trembling heart. Butterflies are multiplying and swarming furiously within. Panic keeps me from functioning properly, today.

I'm not taking care of the child you gave me very well. I robotically go through the motions of diapers, food, hugs and even smiles. Can he tell that Mommy just isn't right, today? Will it effect his soft heart?

I'm afraid to trust any word that comes from my husband. Yet, I am taking steps toward him. I feel more panic when his words conform to what I might want to hear. The danger seems to increase. Could he become so skilled that I might not have any signs whatsoever to give clues that he is not safe?

Are my parent's too much in my court to be objective?

Will you stop me from going back if it's not safe?

Will you help me to want to do the right thing?

Please show me my sin gently, because I don't think I can take very much, right now.I can't handle dissonant music, Lord.  I can't watch the news or bear the sound of raised voices.

I need a Word from you constantly, today.

Hold me together. Keep the cells in my body from literally sliding away from each other. Hold. Me. Together.

love,
your daughter

Scripture Lullabies

I made an amazing discovery today. I was listening on the radio and Nancy Leigh DeMoss is offering a CD of gorgeous music for any size donation. They played a snippet of a song and I was taken back by its unusual beauty, and even more by the comfort the Word of God set to music gave me in just a few seconds. I had to have it - for those dark days when there is no relief. I want my son to fall asleep listening to them. I want to hum the music and meditate on the words to myself when I feel distressed. 




Visit Nancy's website to donate and request the CD (although right now, they say they're offering the CD in one place and a book by Joni with donations on the actual donation page, so I don't know what is up with that).



There are two volumes. I'm so glad to have found them that I want to pass it on to you.




Find the music: 
Hidden in My Heart (a lullaby journey through Scripture) Vol. 1 & 2

• Nancy's Website to donate for Vol. 2
• iTunes  Volume 1   &  Volume 2
• Watch More Youtube Videos

Youtube has a collection of the songs with a slideshow. Below is a song from the 1st volume. Enjoy.

Two Angers, an Extra Large Angst and a Side of Guilt, Please...

The emotions. Oh, the emotions. Almost two years of swirling, twirling, stomach twisting, sickening emotions have dizzied me in its kaleidoscope of fiery reds, jealous greens and depressing blacks. Never-ending, ever-changing, fluctuating in extremes, these emotions take me down, fire me up, and then leave me exhausted but unable to rest. 

Normally, for me there is the deep hurt coupled with not being allowed to feel so hurt. When my husband minimizes his actions, then I minimize the hurt I feel. I'm not allowed to suspect I'm suffering from PTSD. I'm making too much of my pain. I'm a hypochondriac. I'm too sensitive. I've misunderstood him. He didn't mean to... So I minimize it, right after I share it with someone. "But I'm okay. . . It will be fine. . . I'm not the only one to go through this. . . " etc.  

But today, I'm angry. My Father is also angry and that somehow frees me from my usual side of guilt. 

I'm tired of the subtle manipulation. I'm tired of the secretive guilt trips I'm forced to take that are veiled in doing what's best for someone else or for the Lord's glory or for our marriage. I'm sick of the lying. Gag me with the word parsing and literalism. I'm offended by the rotten attitude and the antithesis of a contrite heart that seethes and boils under the surface. It looks inviting, but don't jump in. The water is not fine.

Tonight, I sat as far away in the house from my parents as I could and tried to focus on my dry reading assignment while desperately hoping to drown out the sound of my Dad's voice with a small stack of cookies. I should have chosen something more crunchy. 

My Dad and my husband have been communicating lately, and it hasn't taken very long for my Dad to become completely fed up with the charade. He's wasting his time, and he knows it. As he dictated an email to my husband for my Mom to type, Proverbs 9 rang in my ears at the same time.

"Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning." Proverbs 9:7-9

How do you know you've got a scoffer on your hands? When you correct him in a godly way and he doesn't love you in return or even thank you. We are actually commanded to stop. I've already stopped but I guess my Father wants to go at it for a few more rounds. I don't want to know the details. I'm quite sick enough responding to the emails that my husband and I are returning to each other.

I wanted to curl up and be distracted from the storm that is tearing its way through the house. I want to take my sweet son and cover him up and protect him from all the negative effects that his father might obliviously expose him to.

Dear Lord, this is the biggest mess in the history of messes.

BUT....
He knows the secrets. He knows what is at the root that, when finally dealt with, will cause all the symptoms and peripherals to simply fall away.

Until then, I have to just hold on tight and stay close to the Master while the storm rages on. I ride the waves of my emotions while being anchored to the One who never changes. I correct my thinking by His Word. I rebuke myself as He shows me my own sin. And I survive the next moment and the moment after that knowing that one day, the storm will blow over and I will be stronger and look more like Jesus for having held on.

Stand Firm

Be watchful, Stand firm in the faith, act like men {be brave}, be strong. 
Let all that you do be done in love.

• •• I CORINTHIANS 16:13-14 •• •

Facedown

From the day that I found out about my husband's pornography use and other horrifying activities to the following Sunday, we held our breath until the church could be notified publicly and properly. We were allowed to tell only those closest to use who we could trust to keep things quiet until the Sunday morning service. There were endless meetings with church leaders, friends, teenagers we were closest to, our youth workers, college students...Jack told them individually and in groups. I watched their faces. Some gave instant forgiveness, one walked out of our house suddenly when Jack broke the news. 

It was like knowing your house was going to fall over a cliff, but a week went by while you agonized over every crack in the ground or stone that gave way or watched the sand start to slide. We knew what was getting ready to happen, but we had to wait as we watched small glimpses of what Sunday would look like. 

I don't know how I came across this song, but it reflected my heart as the days brought us closer to revealing Jack's sin. 

 The approaching Sunday seemed like a place of deep reverence to me, 

a day that I would tremble before the Lord and beg for mercy. 

I would put it on loudly and just sob. I wanted to be at His feet, in His presence and this song with it's cautious beginning and haunting cords helped me get there. Then as the music swells, I was able to praise Him and find joy in His sovereignty. 

Lifeline

On the days when I was falling apart, when I sobbed uncontrollably while changing a diaper, when I considered seeking the help of a mental health specialist, when things I found on the computer scared me more than any nightmare I could have ever imagined, when I woke up in the middle of the night with crying, chest pains, nausea, and shaking, when those I trusted to help me went soft on the issues, when I felt that speaking up would be betrayal, when I had no one else to talk to and no one else to get answers or direction from, these were the verses I prayed for myself. Every day. Many times a day. 

I wrote them on cards. Every chance I got, I pulled them out and prayed through them - cried through them. Desperate to get these gifts from the Lord. He heard, listened, and took me under His wings. 

For this reason also, since the day we heard of it, we have not ceased to pray for you and to ask that you may be filled with the knowledge of His will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so that you will walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, to please Him in all respects, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God; strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified us to share in the inheritance of the saints in Light.

• •• Colossians 1:9-12 •• •

A friend told me recently that when her husband left her, she had to have a Bible laying out in every room of the house. That is being desperate for God and His presence - when you literally can't go a few minutes without a Word from Him. He satisfies even then, in the darkest places. Praise His Name!

Is Pornography Adultery?

This is an excellent article on the differences between men and women when it comes to defining intimacy. This explains why men generally don't understand how most women feel that their husband's pornography use is absolutely an adulterous act. It's a must read for every couple effected by pornography.

(Click the image or text to be directed over to the full article. )

""You cried with her?"  My wife appeared wounded, even a little threatened, when I described my conversation with a female employee...The simple question, “How are you?” opened a floodgate of tears as she described feelings of betrayal and despair because of her husband’s behavior. As she wept, I empathized with her pain and shed a few tears of my own. While I maintained strict physical boundaries with my coworker—I didn’t so much as pat her hand—my emotional response to another woman’s anguish triggered a protective instinct within my mate. 

Charissa is neither insecure nor suspicious by nature. In fact, she quickly caught herself and recognized that I had simply empathized with the suffering of another person. Nevertheless, her visceral reaction gave me a fleeting glimpse into the mystery of womanhood. And the resulting conversation with my wife became the first step on a journey of discovery in which I learned just how differently men and women experience marital intimacy. Along the way, I also discovered a profound truth that explains why wives consider a man’s viewing pornography nothing short of adultery . . . and why men think they’re overreacting."

Read the Full Article Here ...