I am exhausted beyond words. Physically and mentally. I am drained beyond the ability to enjoy my son's sweet face. Mental and emotional rest and relief is all that I can think of but I see the rocky road stretched out before me and it's only by walking the road will I even hope to see glimpses of this rest.
Others who are not so close to me and don't know every detail react with immense joy and excitement as we have started to work through things. I feel like I should be jumping with hands raised in overflowing joy and praise to the Lord for His abundant gifts of hope. But I find myself instead cautiously watching my husband and holding on to whatever is beside me while I try to catch my breath emotionally. Hoping and being disappointed with the progress, I know that I will have to revisit an issue when I have the strength to walk through it with him yet again. So forgive me for my silent processing, my watchful eyes, and my hesitancy to judge this a done deal while you praise God for "doing a new thing!!". This new thing is killing me right now. It is not clear. It is not cut and dry. It is painful and it's a complete mess and most of it is totally out of my hands.
God please don't make me have to contend with him and explain everything and help him to see. Can't you just open his mind and heart for me? I'm so tired of this.
Our week of counseling was incredibly hard. And then it was incredibly good followed by the smack of reality. We'd worked through some things and it helped us to enjoy our time together. But I soon saw that so many things needed to be worked through. As we started trudging through it all I found more heartache with differences of opinion, different memories, and unresolved issues that will either just have to be dropped or approached at another time.
It is agonizing. Every step of it.
A friend texted me today in response to my confusion: "All of that is what goes along with the hard choice {to stay in the marriage} which is why few choose it and why it is hard to pray for it to go this way. I cannot even imagine how to get through it without agonizing." Such wise and strangely comforting words.
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It's supposed to be a mess.
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In a way that's comforting. Accept the mess. Accept the stomach churning, nausea and the intense pain.
He held me tight while I sobbed. He wasn't angry with me. I was however incredibly disappointed in some of his other reactions. It is a strange place to be expected to and want to be so close to someone who still hurts you. To transfer my heart back to him is so painful when I'm not completely sure he is safe yet. There is no lightening bolt of change. It is gradual. This is not how I want it to be.
So we text and he calls every night and while we bond on surface levels we contend over other things. It is a dreadful mix of relief and pain. Hope and disappointment.
I wanted to be able to use a back hoe and get all of this taken care of, but instead I am down with my face in the dirt with paleontologist's tools. It is back breaking work and I have literally only begun.
The purpose of my life is not to have a happy marriage. It is to glorify God. And if people will turn to God because they have watched a desperate fight over what seems hopeless and unworthy of the effort only to see the end result of a restored marriage in every way, then I guess I'll have to say "so be it". I must follow my Lord because HE is safe and HE is love. If I have to follow Him further into the shadows of death and pain to learn His ways, then I have no choice.
Prayers.
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