Two Angers, an Extra Large Angst and a Side of Guilt, Please...

The emotions. Oh, the emotions. Almost two years of swirling, twirling, stomach twisting, sickening emotions have dizzied me in its kaleidoscope of fiery reds, jealous greens and depressing blacks. Never-ending, ever-changing, fluctuating in extremes, these emotions take me down, fire me up, and then leave me exhausted but unable to rest. 

Normally, for me there is the deep hurt coupled with not being allowed to feel so hurt. When my husband minimizes his actions, then I minimize the hurt I feel. I'm not allowed to suspect I'm suffering from PTSD. I'm making too much of my pain. I'm a hypochondriac. I'm too sensitive. I've misunderstood him. He didn't mean to... So I minimize it, right after I share it with someone. "But I'm okay. . . It will be fine. . . I'm not the only one to go through this. . . " etc.  

But today, I'm angry. My Father is also angry and that somehow frees me from my usual side of guilt. 

I'm tired of the subtle manipulation. I'm tired of the secretive guilt trips I'm forced to take that are veiled in doing what's best for someone else or for the Lord's glory or for our marriage. I'm sick of the lying. Gag me with the word parsing and literalism. I'm offended by the rotten attitude and the antithesis of a contrite heart that seethes and boils under the surface. It looks inviting, but don't jump in. The water is not fine.

Tonight, I sat as far away in the house from my parents as I could and tried to focus on my dry reading assignment while desperately hoping to drown out the sound of my Dad's voice with a small stack of cookies. I should have chosen something more crunchy. 

My Dad and my husband have been communicating lately, and it hasn't taken very long for my Dad to become completely fed up with the charade. He's wasting his time, and he knows it. As he dictated an email to my husband for my Mom to type, Proverbs 9 rang in my ears at the same time.

"Whoever corrects a scoffer gets himself abuse, and he who reproves a wicked man incurs injury. Do not reprove a scoffer, or he will hate you; reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser; teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning." Proverbs 9:7-9

How do you know you've got a scoffer on your hands? When you correct him in a godly way and he doesn't love you in return or even thank you. We are actually commanded to stop. I've already stopped but I guess my Father wants to go at it for a few more rounds. I don't want to know the details. I'm quite sick enough responding to the emails that my husband and I are returning to each other.

I wanted to curl up and be distracted from the storm that is tearing its way through the house. I want to take my sweet son and cover him up and protect him from all the negative effects that his father might obliviously expose him to.

Dear Lord, this is the biggest mess in the history of messes.

BUT....
He knows the secrets. He knows what is at the root that, when finally dealt with, will cause all the symptoms and peripherals to simply fall away.

Until then, I have to just hold on tight and stay close to the Master while the storm rages on. I ride the waves of my emotions while being anchored to the One who never changes. I correct my thinking by His Word. I rebuke myself as He shows me my own sin. And I survive the next moment and the moment after that knowing that one day, the storm will blow over and I will be stronger and look more like Jesus for having held on.