It's Not You

No matter how many times I've heard, "it's not your fault", I still have to fight the battle within. My husband has even told me that it wasn't my fault, yet I hear from every cell of my body that I wasn't enough. But no wife can ever compete against pornography. You just can't. It's impossible.

The following is a grouping of quotes from a book I am reading now - Hope After Betrayal: Healing when sexual addiction invades your marriage by Meg Wilson. It's so helpful to hear from another wife. There is validation and truth here. Continue to speak the truth to yourself.


"I'll never forget walking into that support group.
There were thirty to forty women - and they were all beautiful! There simply is no connection between a wife's attractiveness and her husband's sexual addiction. Those who think otherwise don't understand how the addcition works....My husband's addiction was not about me. I wasn't there when it started. I didn't do anything to cause it. And I could not change it. Truth is a powerful healer." pg 37, 38

"Trying to make sense of addiction...is futile, because addiction is insanity. A man giving up his loving wife to be with himself or some stranger makes no sense. " pg 46

"Self-blame is one of the most subtle lies that our Enemy whispers in the darkness. Most of us betrayed wives have ended up trying to compete with "it", even when we weren't sure what "it" was." pg 48  (Can I get an AMEN up in here?  Some wives have no heads up that anything is amiss, but many wives like myself live for years knowing that they are fighting an unknown enemy. A counselor said to me recently, "in one way or another, you've been dealing with this for 9 years."  Yes, I have. And yes, you dear sister have also. Give yourself that validation. And now arm yourself with some real ammo.)

"Because I'd been living with an addict, certain patterns had been established in Dave's and my relationship...God can use disclosure to be the catalyst for looking for, recognizing and changing those patterns, and for ultimate healing. I need to be willing to let God show me my own part in the unhealthiness." pg 43

"No woman ever caused her husband's sexual addiction. Most men came to their wives already addicted. Nor is anyone completely innocent. We wives come into marriage with our own baggage. Both of these statements are true- and independent of each other. In our brokenness, we enable dysfunction to continue in our home by not recognizing or questioning unhealthy behaviors." pg 58

"Unlike man, God will never leave nor could He ever be unfaithful. Let Him hold you, heal your broken places, and guide your next step." pg 39

Hope After Betrayal: Healing when sexual addiction invades your marriage
Meg Wilson


This is the truth. I've read it so many places and heard it from so many counselors. It seems impossible to take it in, though. I'm trying to convey this to you and many times a day I realize how little I am taking this truth on, myself. 

Last week, I wrote in my journal, "I am overwhelmed by how much I hate myself."  And then by God's gentle love, I opened up Meg's book to this chapter and read these very words above that you have just read. It's crazy the effect that a husband hooked on porn has on his wife. It is not a victimless crime. BUT there is a Savior who, if we let Him, will show us how He sees us. In His eyes we are beautiful. He desires us and seeks after us the way that we long to be pursued. Jesus fills the void in my heart that my husband was never created to fill. Empty arms or not, Jesus is the only satisfaction that can be found.