Please Pay No Attention to the Giant Behind the Curtain...

In about two weeks, my husband and I are meeting for a week of intensive counseling. This is the "cause" for my recent bouts of panic. Feelings of hopelessness and fear have swallowed me up. 

What will happen? Will he actually get it? Or will it be partial? Will I find out that all of my concerns regarding his partial repentance was nothing but paranoia? Will this counselor also be taken in by his charade? Will I realize that I was wrong and there wasn't a charade to begin with? If he completely repents, how will I ever find the courage to take steps to go back to him? Will I go blank when it's time for me to bring up my concerns? Will I realize that I wasn't really being manipulated after all? Will I realize that the object of my death grip (proof of partial repentance) has slipped right through my hands? The fear is overwhelming. I feel like I'm walking to my death. 

Tonight as I rocked my little babe, the Bible story just happened to be David and Goliath. I explained how David's trust was in God and that helped him to be brave. It didn't matter how big Goliath was. This little boy marched confidently out to Goliath and won the victory. 

I think I've been looking at Goliath 
way too long. 

I've been sizing him up against my abilities and finding that I'm falling desperately short. The possible outcomes have left me almost completely immobile. I'm pessimistic, I do not believe, I am not hopeful, and I've sold God way short.

This is a continuing battle and unfortunately once I "beat it", it comes back up faster and stronger each time. 

I'm not exactly sure how to climb myself out of this pit of despair, but I think a good start will be to ask God to help me, then to listen to music that reminds me of Who my God is, and then I will think on some verses to get me through. The momentum should get me through the night at least. 

I'm a huge fan of Downhere. So many of their songs are perfect for me right now. Here is one that I have loved for the last two years. 

Bleed for This Love

Out of solid rock, I made a river

To a desert drought, I brought the rain

Did you doubt, for a moment

That I felt your pain?

Just when you think the story is over

You know My love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

In a flooded land, I sent a leaf

From your captor's grip, gave you release, oh yeah

Did you fear, for a moment

That I'd leave you there?

Just when you think the story is over

You know My love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

Yes, I'm gonna bleed for this love

And to pay your debt, I'll be the ransom

Then to bring you life, I'll give it all

I'll give it all

Just when you think the story is over

You know my love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

Yes, I'm gonna bleed for this love