The Routine at Day's End

I should go to bed before I actually do.

I think I stay up so late to avoid the reality that I'm going to bed alone. 

Going to bed by myself is like admitting that the party is over, the gig is up. Off I go by myself into my dark world where I cannot escape reality. The shows I watch with my parents to help me forget what my life has become have been turned off. The late night snacks that mask the pain are gone.

Sure, my sweet 2-year-old son is sleeping in his crib only a few feet away from my bed, and that does give me comfort. I love to stand there and look at him sleeping. I love him so much. It scares me to think of what my life would be like right now if God hadn't given him to me. Kids force you out of bed. They get you going because you have to take care of them. They jolt you from dark reality with a cute phrase and silly laugh. Knowing all of the dark thoughts that have crossed my mind this last year, He's probably literally saved my life by now - him and his amazing smile, laugh and snuggles.

I go in, and look at him for a little bit. I check to see if he needs a diaper change. I make sure he's not too hot or too cold. I adjust the blankets accordingly.

I get into bed. Usually I sit there for at least twenty minutes and just stare at the sheets. I process the day. I process my situation. I remind myself of the truth, I self talk. But sometimes I just stare and try to think of nothing. If it's been a very hard day, I cry as quietly as I can and as long as it takes to get it all out. I do all my crying there if I can at all help it. (private person syndrome) Then I sit some more.

I tell the Lord how I feel. Sometimes I curl up in a ball and try to imagine being at His feet - under His wings. I cry some more and express how much I want my heart to please Him. I pledge my submission and love to Him.

And when I'm dry, I decide what I will read before going to bed. I have a basket full of books that I'm slowly working through daily. They are books by wives who have travelled this road, devotionals, my Bible, study books, etc. If I feel especially tired, I will only read some Psalms. But sometimes if I feel awake and more ready for information, I go for some biography, a Bible study and some journaling.

There are many reasons why I am thankful for the difficulties that have come my way. I can't say that I'm glad it all happened, but I can truly say that I'm very thankful for what the hard times have produced. Nothing else could have sent me running after God's Word as hungrily as I have been lately. Good times just can't produce that in people's lives. Hard times drive you there. It's the only way.

As hard as the nights are, I know that they are necessary. I cannot stuff the emotions, I cannot stop reading and studying. I cannot and should not dull the pain as much as I want to. I cannot turn a deaf ear from what God wants to teach me in this. It's grueling so I must not waste the journey.