Nothing to Fear but God Himself

"The fear of man lays a snare but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe." Proverbs 29:25

As I sit down to write, I am shaking inside with fear. I will fast forward the telling of my story to the present day for now. 

I am sitting in my parents house over 1,000 miles away from my home and husband. My son, who is now two years old, is being occupied by magnet letters, crackers and a Veggie Tales movie. 

I have been surprised by the types of fears that have gripped my heart in my to date 8-month-long separation. Some have been legitimate. Fear for my son. Fear that I wouldn't get a chance to leave. Fear of more difficult discussions. Fear of my in-laws. Fear of seeing some people in our church again from the letters that I have received. I fear the word "ministry" because it was under the label of ministry that my deepest hurts were rationalized. 

Fear that my husband would continue failing to "get it".

It was hard to decipher and then admit that I was also afraid that he would start to "get it". Anything that gives the appearance that he is doing the right thing sort of sends me over the edge in fear. I have to go back, now - he's being compliant. I have no choice.

I'm afraid that it won't work out. 
I'm afraid that it will work out. 

I'm afraid of what people think of what I post on Facebook in light of my situation, so I don't post, or like, or comment, or play games anymore in order to be invisible.

I want to hide. I like it here all safe at my parents house.  But this can't work forever. 
I want to go home, but I don't want to go home. 

It's an awful limbo that grips and paralyzes me. I feel trapped and in my own personal hell on earth with a fork in the road whose paths both lead to torment and more fear.

I'm afraid that our new counselor will, as the last one did, be played like a fiddle by my husband's smooth talking and vague jello-like commentary. If this counselor gives a stamp of approval when I disagree, then I will look like the crazy paranoid wife who won't give her poor husband a break.  

So much fear.

But God is there...

Then "FEAR the LORD!" rang in my heart and head. 

I laid in bed this afternoon enjoying a rare opportunity for a nap. 
Dear God, I'm so afraid. Help me to trust You. 
I fell asleep and woke up a half hour later. God, I'm afraid. Help me. 
That's how my nap went. Hugging a pillow and my soft blanket, I tried to rest and tell God what was on my heart. 

Then the verses came to mind that are taped to my bathroom mirror.

"Who is the man who fears the Lord? 

Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. His soul shall abide in well being, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The friendship of the Lord is for those who fear Him and He makes known to them His covenant." 

Psalm 25:12-14

  "An He will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom, and knowledge. The fear of the Lord is Zion's treasure."

Isaiah 33:6

Everything I am currently fearing is smaller and less powerful than God. 

But I have put it all in a place of great reverence and concern. 

That's Idolatry

• The people I fear are. . . people. Sinful people just like me. God's opinion is vastly more important and to be sought after.

• The circumstances I fear are out of my control, but in God's powerful hands. Nothing happens without His direction and consent.

• Fearing God releases me from fearing everything else. It is the key to blessing, peace, and rest.