Internal War Zone

Being the wife of someone whose secret sin has dominated most of his life is difficult on a million levels. I'm going to write about just one here, which probably encompasses a few other facets as well.

It's the mental and emotional tug of war 

between what you're hearing and what you're seeing.

You love the man. You want to believe the best. You want to see that he's completely repented. You search out his life with a magnifying glass looking for a pattern of true repentance. You don't see everything you are looking for and you are dismayed. But then. .  .you listen to his words. They tug strongly at your heart strings. But your friends shake their heads. Counselors say things like, "why are you still there?" Your head and your heart are at odds. You beg God for clear thinking and an accurate view of the truth, but even with times of clarity here and there, it remains a continual battle to see straight.

Your friends and family can see right through it but you reel them back in because you think maybe they're being too harsh on the man and, after all, they are only hearing your slanted words. You even soften your words about him so they won't automatically mentally vilify him.

His parents, however, don't see right through it. In fact they may feel the heart string tug much stronger than you do and they are part of the magnetic pull of confusion between what you're seeing and hearing because they can't see his inconsistencies and they are sucked in by his tears, words, and half hearted actions.

~

This is some of the mental noise that has spun around in my head this week:

I know it looks like he waited two weeks to call the counselor until an hour before he and my Dad were going to have a conversation, but I'm sure it was just a coincidence. 

He was told to go to this counselor, but he says he never was told. I'm sure he just forgot, or maybe I didn't actually tell him, or he didn't get that email or the counselor and I were both wrong to think we'd both said it to him. . . 

He's still texting with people I've asked him not to be in contact with. But he says he loves me deeply, will do anything I ask, and can't wait until I choose to come home. He did give me some money to help with expenses like I asked, and he sent me a card last week. 

~

Honestly, this is what I have been recently struggling with. Most of the time, however, in the parts where I defend him, I don't hear actual words in my head but I feel the emotion. And that's why when I actually say it out loud to someone I suddenly see myself as the wife in denial that I am. Before I get the words out, I know how stupid I sound. But it's near impossible to not battle with this.

I've come to learn that it's just something that many betrayed wives deal with. 

It's your job as a wife even if no one else is standing next to your husband to be the one who is still there. So when your position at his side is made unsafe by his actions and you have no choice but to remove yourself, this unnatural placement puts you at continual war with yourself, your mind, with others who don't have all of the information but still use God's Word to rebuke you, others who do have the info and want to remain in denial, and yet others who think you should be taking even a stronger stand than you are already taking.

In addition to all of the hurt you are already feeling, this is a continual internal war zone that is a real threat to your sanity.  So center yourself on God's Word, in prayer, in confessing sin, in desiring to please Him, in waiting on Him to fight the battles for you and to reveal the secrets.

I've been reading a book by Meg Wilson, Hope After Betrayal. She is a fellow betrayed wife (I must come up with a better, victorious term for us women) who writes her story while weaving in the stories of three additional ladies throughout.

This portion was so helpful to me as just earlier in the day I was conflicted yet again by this mind/heart tug of war.

"Write down your husband's behaviors apart from his good intentions, promises, or explanations. What he does is the truth. An addict's words don't mean a thing at this point. The addict wants to keep you in the subjective arena of feelings and emotions. Try to stay in the objective arena of truth. His actions are observable. If he continues in unhealthy behaviors, then he is still unhealthy. .  regardless of the one good thing he might have done last week."  

(Whether you say your husband is an "addict" or "in bondage to sin",  for this quote I believe that they can be interchanged.)

Look to Him:
It is the loving thing to not be naive. It is the godly thing to stand up against sin - especially your husband's sin. Your husband's relationship with God is at stake. God's name is at stake if your husband professes to be one of His children.

When I feel dizzy from being dragged around by his words, my feelings, his actions, and other's opinions on it all, I have to quiet myself and remember that there is One who knows all the secrets of my husband's heart. He sees the way ahead. Even though it is good to hear from a host of godly counsel,  His is the only voice I need to listen completely to. His is the only opinion I should seek hard after. He is the only One who I need to please.