Please Pay No Attention to the Giant Behind the Curtain...

In about two weeks, my husband and I are meeting for a week of intensive counseling. This is the "cause" for my recent bouts of panic. Feelings of hopelessness and fear have swallowed me up. 

What will happen? Will he actually get it? Or will it be partial? Will I find out that all of my concerns regarding his partial repentance was nothing but paranoia? Will this counselor also be taken in by his charade? Will I realize that I was wrong and there wasn't a charade to begin with? If he completely repents, how will I ever find the courage to take steps to go back to him? Will I go blank when it's time for me to bring up my concerns? Will I realize that I wasn't really being manipulated after all? Will I realize that the object of my death grip (proof of partial repentance) has slipped right through my hands? The fear is overwhelming. I feel like I'm walking to my death. 

Tonight as I rocked my little babe, the Bible story just happened to be David and Goliath. I explained how David's trust was in God and that helped him to be brave. It didn't matter how big Goliath was. This little boy marched confidently out to Goliath and won the victory. 

I think I've been looking at Goliath 
way too long. 

I've been sizing him up against my abilities and finding that I'm falling desperately short. The possible outcomes have left me almost completely immobile. I'm pessimistic, I do not believe, I am not hopeful, and I've sold God way short.

This is a continuing battle and unfortunately once I "beat it", it comes back up faster and stronger each time. 

I'm not exactly sure how to climb myself out of this pit of despair, but I think a good start will be to ask God to help me, then to listen to music that reminds me of Who my God is, and then I will think on some verses to get me through. The momentum should get me through the night at least. 

I'm a huge fan of Downhere. So many of their songs are perfect for me right now. Here is one that I have loved for the last two years. 

Bleed for This Love

Out of solid rock, I made a river

To a desert drought, I brought the rain

Did you doubt, for a moment

That I felt your pain?

Just when you think the story is over

You know My love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

In a flooded land, I sent a leaf

From your captor's grip, gave you release, oh yeah

Did you fear, for a moment

That I'd leave you there?

Just when you think the story is over

You know My love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

Yes, I'm gonna bleed for this love

And to pay your debt, I'll be the ransom

Then to bring you life, I'll give it all

I'll give it all

Just when you think the story is over

You know my love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

Yes, I'm gonna bleed for this love

When the Fishbowl Is Dirty. . .

There's something about public shame, especially when you are a private person. The worst and most devastating thing happens but instead of it being kept in the family or in your own home, it is visible to everyone. All of the dirt, your reaction to the dirt, people's opinions of the dirt, and people's opinions of your reaction to the dirt is out for all to see. They watch you try to clean it up. They share their input even though they've never done it themselves, and you're ahead of the game if you're the one they share it with.  They can see your progress and then they give their opinion about that, too. 

It reminds me of something a friend said to us once. My husband and I had candidated for a youth pastor position at a church we'd attended for a few years. We lost it by only a handful of votes. It was humiliating and at the time, completely devastating. A year later we were blessed to be called to another church and would be moving to another state. While we were packing, some dear people were helping us clear out the most embarrassing parts of our home. There were corners I hadn't cleaned, closets I hadn't straightened, clutter I hadn't thrown away but people were putting things into boxes for us all the same. Rooms I had shut off when guests arrive were now being cleaned by those very guests. A gentleman helping us said with a laugh, "having your friends help you move is like standing in front of everyone naked while they give you a good soaping down. And there's nothing you can do about it."

Public humiliation is like being helplessly exposed. 

I've never done well in the fishbowl. Like Beth Moore states jokingly in one of her lessons on Deuteronomy, I want to shut the door and lock it. My welcome mat is out but I don't mean it. I tend to be a private person so the public humiliation of my husband's twisted unfaithfulness sent me to the breaking point. But being a private person, I didn't let anyone know that I was secretly on the mental edge of normal.

As a result of the fishbowl, I would not be able start quietly processing everything as a wife for several months. We were so busy with other things. There was, after all, God's name to shame, a church to shake to its foundation, a youth group to crush and dismay, friends to be shunned by, countless well meaning people to avoid, thoughtless words to endure, looming jail-time to be terrified over, a husband that kept reaching out to hold my hand expecting mine to be there, a sweet one-year-old to take care of, a family of in-laws to please. And it was exposed for all to see in the fishbowl of our former-ministry. There was no room for processing, no room for escaping, no room for getting a breather. I was buried and drowning in it.

But God . . .

I've had to develop a type of tunnel vision that causes me to only focus on the Lord. I need blinders. Over the last two years this idol of pleasing man has been exposed by public humiliation and more recently disagreement over actions I have taken. I must turn my focus not on all the cheering or scrutinizing onlookers, but on the Lord Himself. What He thinks. What He says.

I have learned that I am a huge people pleaser with a fear of man disability. It is paralyzing and can make a person crazy. God exposed this sin and thought routine in my life and as my situation progresses, I am sort of on the training wheels of working through it.

I have had to do some things that have made the people whose opinions and approval I coveted the most shake their heads in disbelief. I have finally stood to speak up against things that were happening in my life and though it's been impossible to ignore the opposing opinions from those I had looked up to, I have done my best to follow God's leading when it has gone against the current.

It is so hard to keep those blinders on. Often I find in the midst of an anxious night that the reason I am anxious is not because I've received another difficult email, but because I have placed God's direction and opinion of me aside, taken the blinders off and am looking around at other things.

It takes intentionality to fight the feeling of the fishbowl. Focus has to be constantly redirected to the Lord.