This past year, I've been reading constantly. I'm currently working my way through four books right now in addition to a couple of Bible study books. There's something like feeling alone in a crisis that has compelled me to reach out for help. Perhaps you are in the same boat: desperate for answers, hungry for God, and enjoying the gathering of information.
It's interesting that as I read, themes start to come and go and I realize that one theme or another has come to me from all of my sources. They have appeared in varying length and at different times but close enough together to be of significance. One of the most recent themes is an exhortation to pray with boldness.
• •• PRAYING WITH AUTHORITY •• •
I frequently visit
Inspired Reads to check out and download free or discounted Christian fiction and non-fiction books for my Kindle. It's a great resource and all of the books I will mention here were acquired for free because of Inspired Reads' alerts. I saw this book,
Holding Onto Heaven While Your Marriage Goes Through Hell so I sheepishly clicked to download it - almost looking behind my shoulder because, well, it had the word "Hell" in the title...and it was in the same sentence as "marriage".
Gasp. What would my husband think if he caught a glimpse of that title??? Shame.
So late that night I started reading almost expecting to get a watered down attempt at helping a hurting spouse. Being a graphic designer, I had already made my judgement based on the poorly designed cover even though we all know how unreliable that practice may be.
Instead of being able to indulge in my preconceived notion, what I read was rather convicting. The author of one chapter had described her difficult marriage with a verbally abusive and emotionally distant husband. She was at her wits end and was considering separation or divorce. But at the probing of a friend she decided to face her situation with a different approach. While her husband was at work, she went into their bedroom and began praying over the place where he would lay on the bed at night. Putting her hands on his pillow, she prayed for his mind. She boldly bound Satan away from her husband's thinking. Expecting her requests to be given to her she continued praying for different aspects of her husband's life with assertiveness, hope and boldness. And in time, things began to change. Her marriage was eventually restored and prayer was the beginning of it all.
As I read, I felt conviction in the form of a cold sweat and the sensation of blood leaving my face. How childish I had felt for not praying for Jack in this way. How self-centered I was for not seeing that Jack was in bondage and needed a helping hand instead of an accusing finger. I am not saying that you don't point out life dominating sins, or communicate on important issues. But we must do so with the respect due to a person that God has created and loves deeply. I must resist seeing Jack as my enemy. My real enemy is Satan. This is spiritual warfare.
I recalled a
sermon I'd heard recently by Russell Moore. In it he pointed out how Satan loves to expose sexual sin when it will do the most damage. He waits until you get that youth pastor position. He waits until your range of influence is at it's largest. He gets his foot in the door of your heart and then blows it wide open. Now I also believe that God is completely sovereign and He alone allowed disclosure that could in fact be the catalyst for restoration and getting that sin and its roots out of my husband's life. It is over my head how these two truths work together, but I believe it's found somewhere in Romans 8:28-29 and in the words of Joseph while he comforted his repentant brothers.
• •• PRAYING WITH POWER •• •
A few weeks later, I was reading a book on separation by
Linda W. Rooks, Broken Heart on Hold. In one entry, she quoted an interview with Pastor Carl Stephens on spiritual warfare in marriages:
"I believe that a wife's prayers for her husband are stronger than anyone else's prayers for him. When a wife prays for her husband, or a husband prays for his wife, there is a dimension in the spirit realm that gives these prayers a greater spiritual force simply because of the fact that they are one."
"If she can remove herself from the wounds that have been inflicted on her; if she can take her focus off her husband to focus on God instead; if she can catch hold of the truth that her prayers are so extremely powerful, then she's going to be able to rise up and do battle for something she loves and cares about."
He continues on to speak about strongholds and the spiritual authority that a believer has over them when we are submitted to God. We have the authority and the power of Jesus to bind Satan. "...the enemy has no choice but to leave."
• •• EXPECTANT PRAYER •• •
I picked up a
Charles Swindoll book on Psalms a few months ago. I had been reading more in Psalms because the book had been especially comforting to me, so I wanted to dig a little deeper. Yesterday the subject of expectant prayer was before me. In studying Psalm 5, we see David's expectant prayer in verses 1-3. In verse 3, David, "orders" his prayer. In the Hebrew it's like placing an order. When we go to a restaurant and place and order, we wait in our booth fully expecting and at peace that we will receive what we have ordered.
"When we think of "placing an order," we remember one thing that is essential: we have to be specific. Too many prayers suffer from timidity and vagueness. God invites us to pray with bold expectation when we ask for what He has promised or anticipate what we know to be His will."
"...he prayed with confidence in the Lord's sovereignty and goodness. In fact, he decided to begin each morning this way; he greeted each new day by "placing his order" and resolving to wait with confidence for God's response."
• •• I'M HOLDING ME BACK •• •
It's starting to sink in at this point for me. Starting. I have been stripped of desire to give my husband any chance of hurting me again. Do I really want to work so hard for something that I wasn't sure I wanted? But how can I brush the hand of God away as He offers me the gift of a restored marriage? The thoughts from these books and my hesitancy to follow through with fervent authoritative, war-zone prayers have exposed my lack of desire for my marriage to really work. I had checked out. I
have checked out. Walking away is more enticing than waiting for God to grant repentance so my husband and I can then start cleaning up the sludge of sin together. So don't think as I write these entries that there isn't a battle raging inside of me.
It seems to me that I need to be at the point where I would be devastated and shocked if my husband didn't change instead of shaking my head and saying "Well, I'm not surprised." Right now I'm relieved to be away from him and it's hard to conceive of ever going back even in light of true repentance. I have to ask myself "how badly do you want this?" It's like I'm standing in the middle of a battle and fighting here and there but suddenly realizing that I'm really not fighting very hard and I'm not even sure if I want to win. I just want it to be over or to be dead so I don't have to be in misery anymore.
• •• A CALL TO FAST •• •
Occasionally in the morning I go for a walk with my son. I push the stroller zig-zagging through our streets to make the most out of the small neighborhood. While I walk, I've been listening to a few books.
Handle with Prayer by Charles Stanley has been one of them. I'm currently half way through, but I think I'll have to read it again since my 2-year-old likes to talk to me constantly as we journey by little water fountains, flowers, dogs, birds, trucks and old men who don't wear shirts -
"Mommy, he's naked!".
Stanley wrote a chapter on fasting. I listened to it for a few mornings in a row. It was convicting and I think that God is asking me to fast for my marriage. And I'm seriously considering it while I try to figure out how best to go about it.
Fasting is an act of obedience, especially since I do feel that God is bringing it before me in this book, in random broadcasts I've recently listened to, and in conversations brought up by other people. Fasting places somber importance on the reason why you are fasting. It allows God to reveal your own sin to yourself. Sometimes this alone is what changes an impossible situation - confessing sin and strongholds. During times of fasting, we hear God's voice and heart clearly. When we seek him with
all of our hearts, we will find Him. That's a promise. All the benefits that result from fasting are right there waiting for me. Why wouldn't I want to reach out and take these valuable priceless gifts? This theme is certainly coming to a head for me and I'm quickly approaching a point of decision that will demand a follow-up in action.
• •• THE BOTTOM LINE •• •
The truth is, it's possible for me to give every ounce of myself toward reconcilliaion and it still not turn out well. But it is an undeniable truth that if I don't give this everything I've got, and our marriage ends, that I am a guilty party. I won't be able to look my little boy in the eyes and say that Mommy did everything she could to keep our family together. I let Daddy slip away in his bondage and I didn't contend over his soul and heart.
These are the thoughts that have been rolling around in my mind for a few weeks. Some of these thoughts came to me as I was typing as this was one of those blogs that just seemed to write itself. I think this is the journey of aligning my heart with God's. He is, as I have been asking Him to do, slowly and steadily placing my heart, thoughts and emotions where He wants them to be. Jack is not the enemy. Satan is. And if I am going to be completely pleasing to the Lord, I need to pick my weapons back up, secure my armor and be "all in" even though it's a fight that I didn't think I'd signed up for.
"Give ear to my words, O Lord; consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray. O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch" ESV
"In the morning I will order my prayer to you and eagerly watch." NASB
• •• Psalm 5:1-3 •• •
I made an amazing discovery today. I was listening on the radio and Nancy Leigh DeMoss is offering a CD of gorgeous music for any size donation. They played a snippet of a song and I was taken back by its unusual beauty, and even more by the comfort the Word of God set to music gave me in just a few seconds. I had to have it - for those dark days when there is no relief. I want my son to fall asleep listening to them. I want to hum the music and meditate on the words to myself when I feel distressed. 
Visit Nancy's website to donate and request the CD (although right now, they say they're offering the CD in one place and a book by Joni with donations on the actual donation page, so I don't know what is up with that). 
