Please Pay No Attention to the Giant Behind the Curtain...

In about two weeks, my husband and I are meeting for a week of intensive counseling. This is the "cause" for my recent bouts of panic. Feelings of hopelessness and fear have swallowed me up. 

What will happen? Will he actually get it? Or will it be partial? Will I find out that all of my concerns regarding his partial repentance was nothing but paranoia? Will this counselor also be taken in by his charade? Will I realize that I was wrong and there wasn't a charade to begin with? If he completely repents, how will I ever find the courage to take steps to go back to him? Will I go blank when it's time for me to bring up my concerns? Will I realize that I wasn't really being manipulated after all? Will I realize that the object of my death grip (proof of partial repentance) has slipped right through my hands? The fear is overwhelming. I feel like I'm walking to my death. 

Tonight as I rocked my little babe, the Bible story just happened to be David and Goliath. I explained how David's trust was in God and that helped him to be brave. It didn't matter how big Goliath was. This little boy marched confidently out to Goliath and won the victory. 

I think I've been looking at Goliath 
way too long. 

I've been sizing him up against my abilities and finding that I'm falling desperately short. The possible outcomes have left me almost completely immobile. I'm pessimistic, I do not believe, I am not hopeful, and I've sold God way short.

This is a continuing battle and unfortunately once I "beat it", it comes back up faster and stronger each time. 

I'm not exactly sure how to climb myself out of this pit of despair, but I think a good start will be to ask God to help me, then to listen to music that reminds me of Who my God is, and then I will think on some verses to get me through. The momentum should get me through the night at least. 

I'm a huge fan of Downhere. So many of their songs are perfect for me right now. Here is one that I have loved for the last two years. 

Bleed for This Love

Out of solid rock, I made a river

To a desert drought, I brought the rain

Did you doubt, for a moment

That I felt your pain?

Just when you think the story is over

You know My love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

In a flooded land, I sent a leaf

From your captor's grip, gave you release, oh yeah

Did you fear, for a moment

That I'd leave you there?

Just when you think the story is over

You know My love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

Yes, I'm gonna bleed for this love

And to pay your debt, I'll be the ransom

Then to bring you life, I'll give it all

I'll give it all

Just when you think the story is over

You know my love is strong as ever

'Cause I'm gonna bleed for this love

Yes, I'm gonna bleed for this love

Insta-panic

Dear Lord,
Calm my trembling heart. Butterflies are multiplying and swarming furiously within. Panic keeps me from functioning properly, today.

I'm not taking care of the child you gave me very well. I robotically go through the motions of diapers, food, hugs and even smiles. Can he tell that Mommy just isn't right, today? Will it effect his soft heart?

I'm afraid to trust any word that comes from my husband. Yet, I am taking steps toward him. I feel more panic when his words conform to what I might want to hear. The danger seems to increase. Could he become so skilled that I might not have any signs whatsoever to give clues that he is not safe?

Are my parent's too much in my court to be objective?

Will you stop me from going back if it's not safe?

Will you help me to want to do the right thing?

Please show me my sin gently, because I don't think I can take very much, right now.I can't handle dissonant music, Lord.  I can't watch the news or bear the sound of raised voices.

I need a Word from you constantly, today.

Hold me together. Keep the cells in my body from literally sliding away from each other. Hold. Me. Together.

love,
your daughter

Scripture Lullabies

I made an amazing discovery today. I was listening on the radio and Nancy Leigh DeMoss is offering a CD of gorgeous music for any size donation. They played a snippet of a song and I was taken back by its unusual beauty, and even more by the comfort the Word of God set to music gave me in just a few seconds. I had to have it - for those dark days when there is no relief. I want my son to fall asleep listening to them. I want to hum the music and meditate on the words to myself when I feel distressed. 




Visit Nancy's website to donate and request the CD (although right now, they say they're offering the CD in one place and a book by Joni with donations on the actual donation page, so I don't know what is up with that).



There are two volumes. I'm so glad to have found them that I want to pass it on to you.




Find the music: 
Hidden in My Heart (a lullaby journey through Scripture) Vol. 1 & 2

• Nancy's Website to donate for Vol. 2
• iTunes  Volume 1   &  Volume 2
• Watch More Youtube Videos

Youtube has a collection of the songs with a slideshow. Below is a song from the 1st volume. Enjoy.

Facedown

From the day that I found out about my husband's pornography use and other horrifying activities to the following Sunday, we held our breath until the church could be notified publicly and properly. We were allowed to tell only those closest to use who we could trust to keep things quiet until the Sunday morning service. There were endless meetings with church leaders, friends, teenagers we were closest to, our youth workers, college students...Jack told them individually and in groups. I watched their faces. Some gave instant forgiveness, one walked out of our house suddenly when Jack broke the news. 

It was like knowing your house was going to fall over a cliff, but a week went by while you agonized over every crack in the ground or stone that gave way or watched the sand start to slide. We knew what was getting ready to happen, but we had to wait as we watched small glimpses of what Sunday would look like. 

I don't know how I came across this song, but it reflected my heart as the days brought us closer to revealing Jack's sin. 

 The approaching Sunday seemed like a place of deep reverence to me, 

a day that I would tremble before the Lord and beg for mercy. 

I would put it on loudly and just sob. I wanted to be at His feet, in His presence and this song with it's cautious beginning and haunting cords helped me get there. Then as the music swells, I was able to praise Him and find joy in His sovereignty. 

Sweet Hour of Prayer

I had just sent off a difficult email that had to be sent, but one that would not be accepted well. This is something that is generally not only difficult for me to do, but near impossible to survive. My neck was starting to swarm with hot, itchy, raised spots. This is so small to some people but it was a huge step of assertiveness and resisting fear of man for me.

After the deed was done, I just happened (har) to turn on my radio and because today was a Day of Prayer, the station put on a song by Damaris Carbaugh singing Sweet Hour of Prayer. I was surprised by how much the words touched me and were perfect for my minutes of distress today. So as soon as it was done, I bought it on iTunes, listened to it again and bawled.

 So I needed this right then. Thank you, Lord.





Below is a link to the iTunes page 
where you can listen to a snippet of and purchase this beautiful song. 
Damaris Carbaugh - Sweet Hour of Prayer

Sweet hour of prayer! Sweet hour of prayer! 
That calls me from a world of care, 
And bids me at my Father's throne
Make all my wants and wishes known.
In seasons of distress and grief, 
My soul has often found relief
And oft escaped the tempter's snare
By Thy return, sweet hour of prayer! 

Sweet hour of prayer! Sweet hour of prayer! 
The joys I feel, the bliss I share, 
Of those whose anxious spirits burn
With strong desires for Thy return! 
With such I hasten to the place
Where God my Savior shows His face, 
And gladly take my station there, 
And wait for Thee, sweet hour of prayer! 

Sweet hour of prayer! Sweet hour of prayer! 
Thy wings shall my petition bear
To Him whose truth and faithfulness
Engage the waiting soul to bless.
And since He bids me seek His face, 
Believe His Word and trust His grace, I'll cast on Him my every care, 
And wait for Thee, sweet hour of prayer! 

Sweet hour of prayer! Sweet hour of prayer! 
May I Thy consolation share, 
Till, from Mount Pisgah's lofthy height, 
I view my home and take my flight:
This robe of flesh I'll drop and rise
To seize the everlasting prize; 
And shout, while passing through the air, 
"Farewell, farewell, sweet hour of prayer!"

A few years ago Damaris performed at my church during the weekend of Easter. We were invited to join our pastor in taking her out to dinner afterwards. She is a lovely woman. Humble. She looks like Jesus. I love her voice, but more than that, what is inside comes through so clearly and it is beautiful.