Pray Hard. This is War.

This past year, I've been reading constantly. I'm currently working my way through four books right now in addition to a couple of Bible study books. There's something like feeling alone in a crisis that has compelled me to reach out for help. Perhaps you are in the same boat: desperate for answers, hungry for God, and enjoying the gathering of information.

It's interesting that as I read, themes start to come and go and I realize that one theme or another has come to me from all of my sources. They have appeared in varying length and at different times but close enough together to be of significance. One of the most recent themes is an exhortation to pray with boldness.

 • ••  PRAYING WITH AUTHORITY  •• •

I frequently visit Inspired Reads to check out and download free or discounted Christian fiction and non-fiction books for my Kindle. It's a great resource and all of the books I will mention here were acquired for free because of Inspired Reads' alerts. I saw this book, Holding Onto Heaven While Your Marriage Goes Through Hell so I sheepishly clicked to download it - almost looking behind my shoulder because, well, it had the word "Hell" in the title...and it was in the same sentence as "marriage". Gasp. What would my husband think if he caught a glimpse of that title???  Shame. 

So late that night I started reading almost expecting to get a watered down attempt at helping a hurting spouse. Being a graphic designer, I had already made my judgement based on the poorly designed cover even though we all know how unreliable that practice may be.

Instead of being able to indulge in my preconceived notion, what I read was rather convicting. The author of one chapter had described her difficult marriage with a verbally abusive and emotionally distant husband. She was at her wits end and was considering separation or divorce. But at the probing of a friend she decided to face her situation with a different approach. While her husband was at work, she went into their bedroom and began praying over the place where he would lay on the bed at night. Putting her hands on his pillow, she prayed for his mind. She boldly bound Satan away from her husband's thinking. Expecting her requests to be given to her she continued praying for different aspects of her husband's life with assertiveness, hope and boldness. And in time, things began to change. Her marriage was eventually restored and prayer was the beginning of it all.

As I read, I felt conviction in the form of a cold sweat and the sensation of blood leaving my face. How childish I had felt for not praying for Jack in this way. How self-centered I was for not seeing that Jack was in bondage and needed a helping hand instead of an accusing finger. I am not saying that you don't point out life dominating sins, or communicate on important issues. But we must do so with the respect due to a person that God has created and loves deeply. I must resist seeing Jack as my enemy. My real enemy is Satan. This is spiritual warfare.

I recalled a sermon I'd heard recently by Russell Moore. In it he pointed out how Satan loves to expose sexual sin when it will do the most damage. He waits until you get that youth pastor position. He waits until your range of influence is at it's largest. He gets his foot in the door of your heart and then blows it wide open. Now I also believe that God is completely sovereign and He alone allowed disclosure that could in fact be the catalyst for restoration and getting that sin and its roots out of my husband's life. It is over my head how these two truths work together, but I believe it's found somewhere in Romans 8:28-29 and in the words of Joseph while he comforted his repentant brothers.

• ••  PRAYING WITH POWER •• •

A few weeks later, I was reading a book on separation by Linda W. Rooks, Broken Heart on Hold. In one entry, she quoted an interview with Pastor Carl Stephens on spiritual warfare in marriages:

"I believe that a wife's prayers for her husband are stronger than anyone else's prayers for him. When a wife prays for her husband, or a husband prays for his wife, there is a dimension in the spirit realm that gives these prayers a greater spiritual force simply because of the fact that they are one."

"If she can remove herself from the wounds that have been inflicted on her; if she can take her focus off her husband to focus on God instead; if she can catch hold of the truth that her prayers are so extremely powerful, then she's going to be able to rise up and do battle for something she loves and cares about."

He continues on to speak about strongholds and the spiritual authority that a believer has over them when we are submitted to God. We have the authority and the power of Jesus to bind Satan. "...the enemy has no choice but to leave."

• •• EXPECTANT PRAYER •• •

I picked up a Charles Swindoll book on Psalms a few months ago. I had been reading more in Psalms because the book had been especially comforting to me, so I wanted to dig a little deeper. Yesterday the subject of expectant prayer was before me. In studying Psalm 5, we see David's expectant prayer in verses 1-3. In verse 3, David, "orders" his prayer. In the Hebrew it's like placing an order. When we go to a restaurant and place and order, we wait in our booth fully expecting and at peace that we will receive what we have ordered. 

"When we think of "placing an order," we remember one thing that is essential: we have to be specific. Too many prayers suffer from timidity and vagueness. God invites us to pray with bold expectation when we ask for what He has promised or anticipate what we know to be His will."

 "...he prayed with confidence in the Lord's sovereignty and goodness. In fact, he decided to begin each morning this way; he greeted each new day by "placing his order" and resolving to wait with confidence for God's response."

• ••  I'M HOLDING ME BACK •• •

It's starting to sink in at this point for me. Starting. I have been stripped of desire to give my husband any chance of hurting me again. Do I really want to work so hard for something that I wasn't sure I wanted?  But how can I brush the hand of God away as He offers me the gift of a restored marriage? The thoughts from these books and my hesitancy to follow through with fervent authoritative, war-zone prayers have exposed my lack of desire for my marriage to really work. I had checked out. I have checked out. Walking away is more enticing than waiting for God to grant repentance so my husband and I can then start cleaning up the sludge of sin together. So don't think as I write these entries that there isn't a battle raging inside of me.

It seems to me that I need to be at the point where I would be devastated and shocked if my husband didn't change instead of shaking my head and saying "Well, I'm not surprised."  Right now I'm relieved to be away from him and it's hard to conceive of ever going back even in light of true repentance. I have to ask myself "how badly do you want this?" It's like I'm standing in the middle of a battle and fighting here and there but suddenly realizing that I'm really not fighting very hard and I'm not even sure if I want to win. I just want it to be over or to be dead so I don't have to be in misery anymore.

• ••  A CALL TO FAST •• •

Occasionally in the morning I go for a walk with my son. I push the stroller zig-zagging through our streets to make the most out of the small neighborhood. While I walk, I've been listening to a few books. Handle with Prayer by Charles Stanley has been one of them. I'm currently half way through, but I think I'll have to read it again since my 2-year-old likes to talk to me constantly as we journey by little water fountains, flowers, dogs, birds, trucks and old men who don't wear shirts - "Mommy, he's naked!".

Stanley wrote a chapter on fasting. I listened to it for a few mornings in a row. It was convicting and I think that God is asking me to fast for my marriage. And I'm seriously considering it while I try to figure out how best to go about it.

Fasting is an act of obedience, especially since I do feel that God is bringing it before me in this book, in random broadcasts I've recently listened to, and in conversations brought up by other people. Fasting places somber importance on the reason why you are fasting. It allows God to reveal your own sin to yourself. Sometimes this alone is what changes an impossible situation - confessing sin and strongholds. During times of fasting, we hear God's voice and heart clearly. When we seek him with all of our hearts, we will find Him. That's a promise. All the benefits that result from fasting are right there waiting for me. Why wouldn't I want to reach out and take these valuable priceless gifts? This theme is certainly coming to a head for me and I'm quickly approaching a point of decision that will demand a follow-up in action.

• ••  THE BOTTOM LINE •• •

The truth is, it's possible for me to give every ounce of myself toward reconcilliaion and it still not turn out well. But it is an undeniable truth that if I don't give this everything I've got, and our marriage ends, that I am a guilty party. I won't be able to look my little boy in the eyes and say that Mommy did everything she could to keep our family together. I let Daddy slip away in his bondage and I didn't contend over his soul and heart. 

These are the thoughts that have been rolling around in my mind for a few weeks. Some of these thoughts came to me as I was typing as this was one of those blogs that just seemed to write itself. I think this is the journey of aligning my heart with God's. He is, as I have been asking Him to do, slowly and steadily placing my heart, thoughts and emotions where He wants them to be. Jack is not the enemy. Satan is. And if I am going to be completely pleasing to the Lord, I need to pick my weapons back up, secure my armor and be "all in" even though it's a fight that I didn't think I'd signed up for.

"Give ear to my words, O Lord; consider my groaning. Give attention to the sound of my cry, my King and my God, for to you do I pray. O Lord, in the morning you hear my voice; in the morning I prepare a sacrifice for you and watch" ESV

"In the morning I will order my prayer to you and eagerly watch." NASB

• •• Psalm 5:1-3 •• •

It's Not You

No matter how many times I've heard, "it's not your fault", I still have to fight the battle within. My husband has even told me that it wasn't my fault, yet I hear from every cell of my body that I wasn't enough. But no wife can ever compete against pornography. You just can't. It's impossible.

The following is a grouping of quotes from a book I am reading now - Hope After Betrayal: Healing when sexual addiction invades your marriage by Meg Wilson. It's so helpful to hear from another wife. There is validation and truth here. Continue to speak the truth to yourself.


"I'll never forget walking into that support group.
There were thirty to forty women - and they were all beautiful! There simply is no connection between a wife's attractiveness and her husband's sexual addiction. Those who think otherwise don't understand how the addcition works....My husband's addiction was not about me. I wasn't there when it started. I didn't do anything to cause it. And I could not change it. Truth is a powerful healer." pg 37, 38

"Trying to make sense of addiction...is futile, because addiction is insanity. A man giving up his loving wife to be with himself or some stranger makes no sense. " pg 46

"Self-blame is one of the most subtle lies that our Enemy whispers in the darkness. Most of us betrayed wives have ended up trying to compete with "it", even when we weren't sure what "it" was." pg 48  (Can I get an AMEN up in here?  Some wives have no heads up that anything is amiss, but many wives like myself live for years knowing that they are fighting an unknown enemy. A counselor said to me recently, "in one way or another, you've been dealing with this for 9 years."  Yes, I have. And yes, you dear sister have also. Give yourself that validation. And now arm yourself with some real ammo.)

"Because I'd been living with an addict, certain patterns had been established in Dave's and my relationship...God can use disclosure to be the catalyst for looking for, recognizing and changing those patterns, and for ultimate healing. I need to be willing to let God show me my own part in the unhealthiness." pg 43

"No woman ever caused her husband's sexual addiction. Most men came to their wives already addicted. Nor is anyone completely innocent. We wives come into marriage with our own baggage. Both of these statements are true- and independent of each other. In our brokenness, we enable dysfunction to continue in our home by not recognizing or questioning unhealthy behaviors." pg 58

"Unlike man, God will never leave nor could He ever be unfaithful. Let Him hold you, heal your broken places, and guide your next step." pg 39

Hope After Betrayal: Healing when sexual addiction invades your marriage
Meg Wilson


This is the truth. I've read it so many places and heard it from so many counselors. It seems impossible to take it in, though. I'm trying to convey this to you and many times a day I realize how little I am taking this truth on, myself. 

Last week, I wrote in my journal, "I am overwhelmed by how much I hate myself."  And then by God's gentle love, I opened up Meg's book to this chapter and read these very words above that you have just read. It's crazy the effect that a husband hooked on porn has on his wife. It is not a victimless crime. BUT there is a Savior who, if we let Him, will show us how He sees us. In His eyes we are beautiful. He desires us and seeks after us the way that we long to be pursued. Jesus fills the void in my heart that my husband was never created to fill. Empty arms or not, Jesus is the only satisfaction that can be found.

Internal War Zone

Being the wife of someone whose secret sin has dominated most of his life is difficult on a million levels. I'm going to write about just one here, which probably encompasses a few other facets as well.

It's the mental and emotional tug of war 

between what you're hearing and what you're seeing.

You love the man. You want to believe the best. You want to see that he's completely repented. You search out his life with a magnifying glass looking for a pattern of true repentance. You don't see everything you are looking for and you are dismayed. But then. .  .you listen to his words. They tug strongly at your heart strings. But your friends shake their heads. Counselors say things like, "why are you still there?" Your head and your heart are at odds. You beg God for clear thinking and an accurate view of the truth, but even with times of clarity here and there, it remains a continual battle to see straight.

Your friends and family can see right through it but you reel them back in because you think maybe they're being too harsh on the man and, after all, they are only hearing your slanted words. You even soften your words about him so they won't automatically mentally vilify him.

His parents, however, don't see right through it. In fact they may feel the heart string tug much stronger than you do and they are part of the magnetic pull of confusion between what you're seeing and hearing because they can't see his inconsistencies and they are sucked in by his tears, words, and half hearted actions.

~

This is some of the mental noise that has spun around in my head this week:

I know it looks like he waited two weeks to call the counselor until an hour before he and my Dad were going to have a conversation, but I'm sure it was just a coincidence. 

He was told to go to this counselor, but he says he never was told. I'm sure he just forgot, or maybe I didn't actually tell him, or he didn't get that email or the counselor and I were both wrong to think we'd both said it to him. . . 

He's still texting with people I've asked him not to be in contact with. But he says he loves me deeply, will do anything I ask, and can't wait until I choose to come home. He did give me some money to help with expenses like I asked, and he sent me a card last week. 

~

Honestly, this is what I have been recently struggling with. Most of the time, however, in the parts where I defend him, I don't hear actual words in my head but I feel the emotion. And that's why when I actually say it out loud to someone I suddenly see myself as the wife in denial that I am. Before I get the words out, I know how stupid I sound. But it's near impossible to not battle with this.

I've come to learn that it's just something that many betrayed wives deal with. 

It's your job as a wife even if no one else is standing next to your husband to be the one who is still there. So when your position at his side is made unsafe by his actions and you have no choice but to remove yourself, this unnatural placement puts you at continual war with yourself, your mind, with others who don't have all of the information but still use God's Word to rebuke you, others who do have the info and want to remain in denial, and yet others who think you should be taking even a stronger stand than you are already taking.

In addition to all of the hurt you are already feeling, this is a continual internal war zone that is a real threat to your sanity.  So center yourself on God's Word, in prayer, in confessing sin, in desiring to please Him, in waiting on Him to fight the battles for you and to reveal the secrets.

I've been reading a book by Meg Wilson, Hope After Betrayal. She is a fellow betrayed wife (I must come up with a better, victorious term for us women) who writes her story while weaving in the stories of three additional ladies throughout.

This portion was so helpful to me as just earlier in the day I was conflicted yet again by this mind/heart tug of war.

"Write down your husband's behaviors apart from his good intentions, promises, or explanations. What he does is the truth. An addict's words don't mean a thing at this point. The addict wants to keep you in the subjective arena of feelings and emotions. Try to stay in the objective arena of truth. His actions are observable. If he continues in unhealthy behaviors, then he is still unhealthy. .  regardless of the one good thing he might have done last week."  

(Whether you say your husband is an "addict" or "in bondage to sin",  for this quote I believe that they can be interchanged.)

Look to Him:
It is the loving thing to not be naive. It is the godly thing to stand up against sin - especially your husband's sin. Your husband's relationship with God is at stake. God's name is at stake if your husband professes to be one of His children.

When I feel dizzy from being dragged around by his words, my feelings, his actions, and other's opinions on it all, I have to quiet myself and remember that there is One who knows all the secrets of my husband's heart. He sees the way ahead. Even though it is good to hear from a host of godly counsel,  His is the only voice I need to listen completely to. His is the only opinion I should seek hard after. He is the only One who I need to please.

Truth

"Never be guilty of sacrificing any portion of truth on the altar of peace."

~ J.C. Ryle ~