Agonizing

My thoughts are a whirlwind of fragmented sentences, impressions, confusions, hopes and disappointments. It is agony. I keep hoping to see the bright sun break through the dark clouds so I can have a day of peace. But I just keep being teased. There is hope but it's like at the promise of rain and sun, the farmer must go out and work the soil and only by the sweat of his brow will he reap the harvest.

I am exhausted beyond words. Physically and mentally. I am drained beyond the ability to enjoy my son's sweet face. Mental and emotional rest and relief is all that I can think of but I see the rocky road stretched out before me and it's only by walking the road will I even hope to see glimpses of this rest.

Others who are not so close to me and don't know every detail react with immense joy and excitement as we have started to work through things. I feel like I should be jumping with hands raised in overflowing joy and praise to the Lord for His abundant gifts of hope.  But I find myself instead cautiously watching my husband and holding on to whatever is beside me while I try to catch my breath emotionally. Hoping and being disappointed with the progress, I know that I will have to revisit an issue when I have the strength to walk through it with him yet again. So forgive me for my silent processing, my watchful eyes, and my hesitancy to judge this a done deal while you praise God for "doing a new thing!!".  This new thing is killing me right now. It is not clear. It is not cut and dry. It is painful and it's a complete mess and most of it is totally out of my hands.

God please don't make me have to contend with him and explain everything and help him to see. Can't you just open his mind and heart for me? I'm so tired of this.

Our week of counseling was incredibly hard. And then it was incredibly good followed by the smack of reality. We'd worked through some things and it helped us to enjoy our time together. But I soon saw that so many things needed to be worked through. As we started trudging through it all I found more heartache with differences of opinion, different memories, and unresolved issues that will either just have to be dropped or approached at another time.

It is agonizing. Every step of it.

A friend texted me today in response to my confusion: "All of that is what goes along with the hard choice {to stay in the marriage} which is why few choose it and why it is hard to pray for it to go this way. I cannot even imagine how to get through it without agonizing." Such wise and strangely comforting words.

• •• • •• •

It's supposed to be a mess. 

• •• • •• •

In a way that's comforting. Accept the mess. Accept the stomach churning, nausea and the intense pain.

He held me tight while I sobbed. He wasn't angry with me. I was however incredibly disappointed in some of his other reactions. It is a strange place to be expected to and want to be so close to someone who still hurts you. To transfer my heart back to him is so painful when I'm not completely sure he is safe yet. There is no lightening bolt of change. It is gradual. This is not how I want it to be.

So we text and he calls every night and while we bond on surface levels we contend over other things. It is a dreadful mix of relief and pain. Hope and disappointment.

I wanted to be able to use a back hoe and get all of this taken care of, but instead I am down with my face in the dirt with paleontologist's tools. It is back breaking work and I have literally only begun.

The purpose of my life is not to have a happy marriage. It is to glorify God. And if people will turn to God because they have watched a desperate fight over what seems hopeless and unworthy of the effort only to see the end result of a restored marriage in every way, then I guess I'll have to say "so be it".  I must follow my Lord because HE is safe and HE is love. If I have to follow Him further into the shadows of death and pain to learn His ways, then I have no choice.

Insta-panic

Dear Lord,
Calm my trembling heart. Butterflies are multiplying and swarming furiously within. Panic keeps me from functioning properly, today.

I'm not taking care of the child you gave me very well. I robotically go through the motions of diapers, food, hugs and even smiles. Can he tell that Mommy just isn't right, today? Will it effect his soft heart?

I'm afraid to trust any word that comes from my husband. Yet, I am taking steps toward him. I feel more panic when his words conform to what I might want to hear. The danger seems to increase. Could he become so skilled that I might not have any signs whatsoever to give clues that he is not safe?

Are my parent's too much in my court to be objective?

Will you stop me from going back if it's not safe?

Will you help me to want to do the right thing?

Please show me my sin gently, because I don't think I can take very much, right now.I can't handle dissonant music, Lord.  I can't watch the news or bear the sound of raised voices.

I need a Word from you constantly, today.

Hold me together. Keep the cells in my body from literally sliding away from each other. Hold. Me. Together.

love,
your daughter

The Routine at Day's End

I should go to bed before I actually do.

I think I stay up so late to avoid the reality that I'm going to bed alone. 

Going to bed by myself is like admitting that the party is over, the gig is up. Off I go by myself into my dark world where I cannot escape reality. The shows I watch with my parents to help me forget what my life has become have been turned off. The late night snacks that mask the pain are gone.

Sure, my sweet 2-year-old son is sleeping in his crib only a few feet away from my bed, and that does give me comfort. I love to stand there and look at him sleeping. I love him so much. It scares me to think of what my life would be like right now if God hadn't given him to me. Kids force you out of bed. They get you going because you have to take care of them. They jolt you from dark reality with a cute phrase and silly laugh. Knowing all of the dark thoughts that have crossed my mind this last year, He's probably literally saved my life by now - him and his amazing smile, laugh and snuggles.

I go in, and look at him for a little bit. I check to see if he needs a diaper change. I make sure he's not too hot or too cold. I adjust the blankets accordingly.

I get into bed. Usually I sit there for at least twenty minutes and just stare at the sheets. I process the day. I process my situation. I remind myself of the truth, I self talk. But sometimes I just stare and try to think of nothing. If it's been a very hard day, I cry as quietly as I can and as long as it takes to get it all out. I do all my crying there if I can at all help it. (private person syndrome) Then I sit some more.

I tell the Lord how I feel. Sometimes I curl up in a ball and try to imagine being at His feet - under His wings. I cry some more and express how much I want my heart to please Him. I pledge my submission and love to Him.

And when I'm dry, I decide what I will read before going to bed. I have a basket full of books that I'm slowly working through daily. They are books by wives who have travelled this road, devotionals, my Bible, study books, etc. If I feel especially tired, I will only read some Psalms. But sometimes if I feel awake and more ready for information, I go for some biography, a Bible study and some journaling.

There are many reasons why I am thankful for the difficulties that have come my way. I can't say that I'm glad it all happened, but I can truly say that I'm very thankful for what the hard times have produced. Nothing else could have sent me running after God's Word as hungrily as I have been lately. Good times just can't produce that in people's lives. Hard times drive you there. It's the only way.

As hard as the nights are, I know that they are necessary. I cannot stuff the emotions, I cannot stop reading and studying. I cannot and should not dull the pain as much as I want to. I cannot turn a deaf ear from what God wants to teach me in this. It's grueling so I must not waste the journey.