Facedown

From the day that I found out about my husband's pornography use and other horrifying activities to the following Sunday, we held our breath until the church could be notified publicly and properly. We were allowed to tell only those closest to use who we could trust to keep things quiet until the Sunday morning service. There were endless meetings with church leaders, friends, teenagers we were closest to, our youth workers, college students...Jack told them individually and in groups. I watched their faces. Some gave instant forgiveness, one walked out of our house suddenly when Jack broke the news. 

It was like knowing your house was going to fall over a cliff, but a week went by while you agonized over every crack in the ground or stone that gave way or watched the sand start to slide. We knew what was getting ready to happen, but we had to wait as we watched small glimpses of what Sunday would look like. 

I don't know how I came across this song, but it reflected my heart as the days brought us closer to revealing Jack's sin. 

 The approaching Sunday seemed like a place of deep reverence to me, 

a day that I would tremble before the Lord and beg for mercy. 

I would put it on loudly and just sob. I wanted to be at His feet, in His presence and this song with it's cautious beginning and haunting cords helped me get there. Then as the music swells, I was able to praise Him and find joy in His sovereignty. 

Pornography: the Intimacy Killer

The look of shock on my friend's face when I told her that my husband and I would go months without sex was sobering. As I continued to think back through our marriage, I realized there were so many clues that pornography had invaded our lives and one of them was lack of intimacy. Now to muddy the water, we were intimate. And when we were, it was quite good. But there was always a reason why he would turn me down most of the time. There was something I wasn't doing right, it takes too long, he just doesn't need sex as much as I do, he's tired, or he didn't know I was trying to instigate. . . etc. 

There was also always a sense of being undesired. I could feel the void. I could see that it was missing in his eyes. It was something I could never have verbalized to anyone except by saying that there was "something missing." I never tried, though, because without any concrete examples, I would look a little paranoid or overly sensitive. And don't forget that other than the sadness I felt, I didn't know any better. So I lived on in this marriage feeling oddly undesired most of the time. 

So as I read more and talked to more counselors after finding out about my husband's pornography use, I slowly realized that I honestly didn't know what a normal sex life looks like. Pornography surprisingly decreases the natural desire a husband has toward his wife. It's just not there like it is for other men. 

Here is a link to a short video on the Covenant Eyes website along with an article. (You can also click the image below.) This couple shares what pornography did to the intimacy of their marriage. I am right there with them. Wives, your'e not alone.

Yes Pornography destroys, but God restores. 

The brain can be rewired by the One who created it. The heart can be made right by the One who created it. And God can redirect our desires. This video doesn't end on a great note, so I wanted to point out the good news that can be experienced when God does a work in people's lives.